God... Its times like this where I feel like giving up. When I've come so far and have nothing to show for it. Do I have nothing to show? Maybe I'm grading myself with a wrong system.

You don't want to be associated with the world? You want to be associated with spiritual things? Then you need to be graded along with spiritual people. But the problem is, there is a lack of people who are like-minded where I am. I'm residing at a place where 80% of the sentences are littered with expletives. I have no opportunity to talk about spiritual things. And times where I do bible study could be interrupted at any moment.

Maybe life will be like that next time. Maybe this is my familiarisation phase. To get me used to living like this when I start serving Him. Its just like doing physically strenuous activities. You do it often enough and sooner or later you're able to do more when you reach the same level of tiredness. Maybe this is the level of independence that I have to achieve. A level where it becomes a part of me. Maybe there is a change... Maybe I do have an influence on others. But I don't see the fruits.

It could be a time to exercise patience or a time where I need to re-evaluate myself. It could be a time to let go of certain responsibilities which I know I won't be able to fulfill well. Is that me? If I can't do it to the best of my ability, should I continue doing it?

I’ve been really afraid of being close to God for the wrong reason. I don’t want my relationship with God to be affected by external events. Its true that I got a ‘kick start’ from you but I hope that I’m doing it for the right reason. Time will tell...
| written 12 November 2002 |

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these screwed up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine...
| something corporate - konstantine |